My Lyfe - Uncensored

Yes, you have a 1st time blogger on your hands. I keep having an itch to post my thoughts for others to debate. So I'm scratching!!! I know I can't be the only one who feels the way I do. But I will caution you...just because I am a mother to a precious, beautiful, miracle baby, does NOT mean I'm a saint, or don't use profanity! I'm definitely not a Mrs. Goody Two Shoes. I'm human, I sin like we all do. So please don't put me on some kind of pedestal. I will fall for sure. Plus, I do know proper english and wording of how to type something or where to put the apostrophe or the comma, or when to start another sentence, but since this just "My Two Cents" Im not worrying about it!!! So, if your one of those OCD people who are strongly bothered by the commas, periods, etc, it's probably not wise to keep reading. LOL

Warning! You may laugh, you may cry, sometimes you might even say WTF? But just know, It all makes since to me! =)

Enjoy!


Friday, October 8, 2010

Randomness

Take it easy on me..this is my first blog post. =P I've been kinda procrastinating about it. No clue why. I guess I'm afraid I will offend someone on my views. But, I really don't need to look at it that way. I mean, you can't please everyone and not everyone is going to have the same views as you! So, ummm...let's see, as you should know by now, I do believe in God! He gets all the credit for everything good that has happened in my life. He is amazing. He blessed my husband and I with a beautiful boy that has a unique personality. He has really grown into his own little person. I never thought being a mother could be so rewarding until I actually became one myself. It's a different kind of love. It's a love that only God gives you. It's like how God views us as His children and the love that He has for us. It's the same. That unconditional, indescribable love. I won't lie tho, I don't feel like the best mom ever. Everyone says that I am, but I don't know. They ways say though "you are your worst critic" so I try not to be too hard myself.
Here lately I have really been thinkin' bout have having another little one. I don't really think I could handle two little ones right now, with JT's special needs and the attention he needs and deserves. Only God knows what is best. Matt (my hubby) and I have always left that up to God. If we have another one then so be it. Another thing I'm scared about is of course, having another child with HPE. Or anything else for that matter. It scares me to pieces. Going thru it one time almost broke me. But going thru it again?seriously? I think I would be on the 6th floor (no joke). But I know that God is with me (us) every step! So no need to worry!
Eversince 2008 when I was pregnant with JT and we found out the news about him, I (and Matt) have become a different person. I don't really know if it is a good thing. I mean, like I've become numb. It has changed me to the point that I view things differently. I put a mask on like all the time. I was depressed for a long, long while until I got help. And I dunno, I still get that mask out more than I should now, but it's to hide how I truly feel inside. Half the time, I don't know what I am hiding becuz I am numb from the pain and heartache that has replaced what use to be in my heart. It's like having a big batch of cookie dough (which I love by the way) and a fourth of it is rotten. It's changed to something that's non-edible. It's green-nasty-smoky, whatever you wanna call it. I've tried a million times to revive it, but no matter what I do I can't get it back. It's a part of me. It's who I am now. It's the other Kellie. And you know what, the funny thing is...I would do it all over again if that meant JT would be with us here today. I would do it a million times over (infinity) if that meant I could watch my son grow up & watch God work in his life.
God is truly amazing. He really is. I just can't see how people do not believe in Him. It hurts me to the very core of my being when someone bashes Him or says His name in vain. With all that He has done for us. We don't deserve to even go to Heaven. Buy He loves us so much that he wants us. He wants us to spend eternal life with Him. And some people think it's a joke. And it's not, it is NOT! God is so real, He is as real as Facebook, or my son JT. But instead people blame Him for what goes on in the world, for their loved one passing when they should be praising Him that He will one say return to take us away from this old world that is full of sin. I can't wait for that day!
I could go on and on and on. But, it is 7:10am and I have got to get some sleep. Feel free to comment on my 1st blog. God bless.